working on the secret one pines page it kinda brings me back

i met so many great people i never would have associtaed with in a million years

sometimes i miss them, most of the time i miss them, actually
everyone so different, the only similarity being we were just held in the same place involuntarily

i often wonder where they all went and if any of them healed like they wamted to, althought i'm certain many of them did not, which is sad

life is sad sometimes

but that's okay i guess
otherwise we'd have nothing to be thankful for

bryce doesn't seem to realize that, i'm here for a reason, yet he hides me away, only lets me out when no one is around to see me, which i understand, really i do
but after everything the three of us have been through we need to have more of a balance

louis had all of the control for so many years, then for a long time i had most of the control, and i've come to realize that having just one of us take the wheel leads to an unhealthy person, and heartbreak and disappointment

bryce wants all the control now, but he doesn't want to listen to me, he thinks it's his turn to take the steering wheel, which makes sense but i can't see that going well in the future

i've been pulling and clawing trying to get out, he needs to hear what i have to say, he doesn't like it, but he needs it, can't pretend the past didn't happen, why doesn't he care about it? why does he want to forget her?

making love on the beach and drawing swastikas in the sand

those were the happiest years of our short life, he likes to think there will be someone else, but i don't think we will ever find someone as sweet, kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent, beautiful, perfect person as she was.

we haven't seen her in so long, and i'm terrified of ever seeing her again, because i know that she's a different person now
i don't want to see who she is now
i don't want to see who she is without us

my number one priority after everything happened was to make sure that she was happy
the only way to do that is to not be in her life

i don't think that i deserve to be happy, after everything we did to her, i don't deserve happiness, but bryce and i realized that she is such a better person than we are, that after everything, she still cared about us, about me, this stupid, damaged, pathetic piece of shit that ruined her life, this fucking waste of human life, this narcisstic, egotistical, self-centered, cynical, angry, self-hating, self-hurting god damned worthless fuck. after everything, she still cared about us. and we realized that she would want us to be happy. she wouldn't want us to be miserable on her behalf, as some punishment for what we did, just the opposite. she would want us to be happy.

she would want that

but it's so hard, it's so fucking hard

making love on the beach and drawing swastikas in the sand, those were the happiest years of our life