alex thoughts

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8/31/2020 5:45pm

i saw the face of god yesterday

and it was like seeing the face of every person that has ever lived, and ever will live...
it was so beautiful
i had never felt such happiness




but now i find myself with this deep sadness that i can't shake, even when i think of all those faces






i feel like they're watching me

8/20/2020 9:23am

been over two months since the last entry i think



i'm sorry about that





can't really say i've been busy, although my hands have been as bad as ever, been getting jerked around by doctors all summer





did a cool thing last sunday but was pretty anxious most of the time, i'll try again this weekend and see if i can chill out a little more






i think it helped me get over some things i was hung up on, although i'm only realizing it now.....that i haven't thought about those times in a while, and when i do i don't feel that same dark feeling in my gut, and i think things might actually be okay for once




but that feeling doesn't usually last long and i'm finding that the sadness i felt from those events a couple years ago has bled into other things.....these six months stuck in the house certainly haven't done wonders for my mental state, either






bryce cleaned up one of those gross rooms downstairs and turned it into a studio, looks real nice i think. hopefully that will get us a little more motivated to do some work

5/3/2020 12:55pm

corona has got all three of us fucked up




it's so weird, regardless of the virus i usually stay inside all day anyway, but now that i don't have a choice i want to go outside more than ever



bryce took us to that beach we like yesterday at least so that was nice day out

we also moved to a new aprtment a few days ago, still trying to get settled in, don't even know the other two people there, at least the place is a hell of a lot nicer than where we were

the last few days in the old place were spent trying to catch a mouse that bolted into the closet, not our problem now


plus, this new place has laundry and parking, we hit the jackpot


















i sent her a letter a couple weeks ago
i don't know what i was trying to accomplish by doing that but i felt like i needed to

still haven't gotten a response though, and i don't know if i ever will, but i hope i do

sometimes i find myself checking the mailbox like ten times a day like a fucking crazy person it feels so pathetic


i wonder if she even got it, i wish there was a way for me to know, i can't really just call her up and ask her now can i?
you could if you weren't such a pussy


FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU


haha oh wow now the real colors are coming out alex i'm so proud



YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT YOU RUINED THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME YOU FUCKING NARCISSISTIC PRICK

2/3/2020 9:57pm

bryce shaved off all of his beard yesterday and jesus christ it looks horrible





looks like a fucking kid again


i'm mortified to go outside now, he never had any fucking consideration






now he's talking about big plans for EP's and shit, but we can't even bring ourselves to go practice for more than thirty minutes, and every time we sit down to write it's like pulling teeth

















where would we be now if you had your say?










when will you ever stop holding that over my head?



when you let me live my life without trying to kill me

1/28/2020 5:25pm

i hope you're reading this

12/11/2019 8:08pm

there was a big shooting yesterday


three people got killed



had to hide in a classroom with some other people and we barricaded the door with a piano



shit's crazy



got me thinking about how easily that could have been us on the other end of the gun



a friend of our's said he was just at the store where it happened like ten minutes before




i don't get how someone could intentionally hurt someone like that


what the fuck am i talking about, of course i do





louis talked about it a lot back in high school


he probably would have shot up the school had bryce given him the chance






that's fucked up







we're all capable of doing terrible things, and the three of us collectively have done so many, but at least we haven't gone that far




yet












both of you fucking shut it and let me think

9/22/2019 8:39pm

my cat died last week



it's funny i only really started feeling sad about it today


we had her for thirteen years
it's a shame i couldn't be there for her last days


i kinda felt guilty that i wasn't really sad when i initially heard about it
but i guess my love for her isn't measured in how many tears i cried right



just because i didn't cry at first doesn't mean i loved her any less




she was a good cat






that girl said no



everything is falling apart


i haven't talked to bill in weeks
i haven't taken any medication in a month
my hands are getting so bad that i can barely even type this right now
i haven't recorded anything in a month
my cat is dead
i got led on by this girl for a month




i almost called you-know-who today
just really wanted to hear her voice



how pathetic is that


9/6/2019 11:45pm

saw a picture of her today by accident

almost knocked me down



i rememeber that picture

she cried that night for sure



i can't take any more of myself


i always thought that i had these demons inside of me clawing to get out but it turns out that i'm the demon

giving these personalities faces to somehow excuse the fact that it's just me every time


it's just me


alex












we need to lay off the pen

even i'm getting a little scared


8/26/2019 11:51pm

dab pen broke that sucks
probably for the best i guess



being home really sucks, i was just getting used to really being alone and i love it, but now i had to come back and immediately i feel like shit again




i wonder if she started college yet


i wonder where she's going




i wonder if she thinks about me...






it's been so long... once december 1st rolls around it'll be a whole year

that's so crazy



after all this time, i still feel this way


bryce is doing great things out there don't get me wrong but i feel like he's just running away from these feelings

throwing himself headlong into all this work just to keep him distracted from ourself


got a letter from an old friend today, it made me cry


i don't deserve to have people who care about me after all this, if they only knew who they were caring for, they would be appalled



we're still just kids



we're still just kids


and no amount of pot or ambien or battery acid is gonna change that, we're just three kids, scared shitless by the endless possibilities and distorted expectations.



i know you've been feeling good lately, bryce, i'm sorry