alex thoughts

4/2/2024 11:13am

all is good and all is for the best, only understanding it is the issue

there are small moments where i think i do, though i constantly prove myself wrong

6/16/2023 4:14pm

O dirty socks and flowers on the wall
why does this torture me so?

the pain in my arms and neck and back and legs and feet and stomach and asshole is never-ending
i am four hundred years old underneath this skin

writing and writing til my hands are ground to stumps

6/11/2021 12:23am

i don't think i really know who i am anymore

3/15/2021 11:01pm

still alive for now

10/29/2020 6:55pm

i made something wonderful today, it reminds me of old times, and only one interjection

i've only been getting a few words in for a while and i guess no one else wants to talk right now, it's nice to just look back sometimes without this cynical lens that always gets put on by him

i wanna see blue in the sky again, and in the trees too

like the way it looks just before the sun goes down

or the way the sky reflects on the snow in the early morning

i had a really nice dream about _____________ last night, and i think that's what made it so sad when i woke up this morning

i haven't been remembering my dreams at all lately, why did i have to remember this one?

10/12/2020 8:55pm

i feel like i'm coming down from a wild louis trip and i can't seem to make anything that i like now

i know this is just one of those days, but it still feels shitty

just gotta keep working, but i can't force it, don't want another seltzer situation again, it's gotta happen naturally this time, like the last two videos i made

it's just so hard sometimes, and bryce hasn't really been in the picture for a few weeks, i hope he comes back soon, i don't want to be alone with number three

i guess i'll leave it there, don't really have much to say today, just thnking about old things, getting nostalgic, but the bad kind of nostalgic if that makes sense

8/31/2020 5:45pm

i saw the face of god yesterday

and it was like seeing the face of every person that has ever lived, and ever will live...
it was so beautiful
i had never felt such happiness

but now i find myself with this deep sadness that i can't shake, even when i think of all those faces

i feel like they're watching me

8/20/2020 9:23am

been over two months since the last entry i think

i'm sorry about that

can't really say i've been busy, although my hands have been as bad as ever, been getting jerked around by doctors all summer

did a cool thing last sunday but was pretty anxious most of the time, i'll try again this weekend and see if i can chill out a little more

i think it helped me get over some things i was hung up on, although i'm only realizing it now.....that i haven't thought about those times in a while, and when i do i don't feel that same dark feeling in my gut, and i think things might actually be okay for once

but that feeling doesn't usually last long and i'm finding that the sadness i felt from those events a couple years ago has bled into other things.....these six months stuck in the house certainly haven't done wonders for my mental state, either

bryce cleaned up one of those gross rooms downstairs and turned it into a studio, looks real nice i think. hopefully that will get us a little more motivated to do some work

5/3/2020 12:55pm

corona has got all three of us fucked up

it's so weird, regardless of the virus i usually stay inside all day anyway, but now that i don't have a choice i want to go outside more than ever

bryce took us to that beach we like yesterday at least so that was nice day out

we also moved to a new aprtment a few days ago, still trying to get settled in, don't even know the other two people there, at least the place is a hell of a lot nicer than where we were

the last few days in the old place were spent trying to catch a mouse that bolted into the closet, not our problem now

plus, this new place has laundry and parking, we hit the jackpot

i sent her a letter a couple weeks ago
i don't know what i was trying to accomplish by doing that but i felt like i needed to

still haven't gotten a response though, and i don't know if i ever will, but i hope i do

sometimes i find myself checking the mailbox like ten times a day like a fucking crazy person it feels so pathetic

i wonder if she even got it, i wish there was a way for me to know, i can't really just call her up and ask her now can i?
you could if you weren't such a pussy

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

haha oh wow now the real colors are coming out alex i'm so proud

YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT YOU RUINED THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME YOU FUCKING NARCISSISTIC PRICK

2/3/2020 9:57pm

bryce shaved off all of his beard yesterday and jesus christ it looks horrible

looks like a fucking kid again

i'm mortified to go outside now, he never had any fucking consideration

now he's talking about big plans for EP's and shit, but we can't even bring ourselves to go practice for more than thirty minutes, and every time we sit down to write it's like pulling teeth

where would we be now if you had your say?

when will you ever stop holding that over my head?

when you let me live my life without trying to kill me

1/28/2020 5:25pm

i hope you're reading this

12/11/2019 8:08pm

there was a big shooting yesterday

three people got killed

had to hide in a classroom with some other people and we barricaded the door with a piano

shit's crazy

got me thinking about how easily that could have been us on the other end of the gun

a friend of our's said he was just at the store where it happened like ten minutes before

i don't get how someone could intentionally hurt someone like that

what the fuck am i talking about, of course i do

louis talked about it a lot back in high school

he probably would have shot up the school had bryce given him the chance

that's fucked up

we're all capable of doing terrible things, and the three of us collectively have done so many, but at least we haven't gone that far

yet

both of you fucking shut it and let me think

9/22/2019 8:39pm

my cat died last week

it's funny i only really started feeling sad about it today

we had her for thirteen years
it's a shame i couldn't be there for her last days

i kinda felt guilty that i wasn't really sad when i initially heard about it
but i guess my love for her isn't measured in how many tears i cried right

just because i didn't cry at first doesn't mean i loved her any less

she was a good cat

that girl said no

everything is falling apart

i haven't talked to bill in weeks
i haven't taken any medication in a month
my hands are getting so bad that i can barely even type this right now
i haven't recorded anything in a month
my cat is dead
i got led on by this girl for a month

i almost called you-know-who today
just really wanted to hear her voice

how pathetic is that

9/6/2019 11:45pm

saw a picture of her today by accident

almost knocked me down

i rememeber that picture

she cried that night for sure

i can't take any more of myself

i always thought that i had these demons inside of me clawing to get out but it turns out that i'm the demon

giving these personalities faces to somehow excuse the fact that it's just me every time

it's just me

alex

we need to lay off the pen

even i'm getting a little scared

8/26/2019 11:51pm

dab pen broke that sucks
probably for the best i guess

being home really sucks, i was just getting used to really being alone and i love it, but now i had to come back and immediately i feel like shit again

i wonder if she started college yet

i wonder where she's going

i wonder if she thinks about me...

it's been so long... once december 1st rolls around it'll be a whole year

that's so crazy

after all this time, i still feel this way

bryce is doing great things out there don't get me wrong but i feel like he's just running away from these feelings

throwing himself headlong into all this work just to keep him distracted from ourself

got a letter from an old friend today, it made me cry

i don't deserve to have people who care about me after all this, if they only knew who they were caring for, they would be appalled

we're still just kids

we're still just kids

and no amount of pot or ambien or battery acid is gonna change that, we're just three kids, scared shitless by the endless possibilities and distorted expectations.

i know you've been feeling good lately, bryce, i'm sorry