bryce thoughts


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8/16/2021 6:12pm

writing this from trevor

8/2/2021 12:31am

we got a camcorder

2/25/2021

we've really been slacking on work lately, been meaning too make videos to promote the album but i just find myself unable to when i sit down to do it

maybe on the next project we need to make the videos AS we're making the songs
that's what i was doing when i started park, but i decided to stop because i want to focus more on just finishing the album as fast as possible, but now on the other side of that i have the fulll album but no videos


it's okay, i don't have to make the videos but i really should, i wouldn't forgicve myself if i ended up not making anything for this just like the last ep



the problem is that i feel so far removed from park now that i'm finished with it, and i feel like anything i make to accompany it wouldn't really be in the right spirit because i'm not in the saqme headspace i was when i was making it

i'm moving too slowly, but whose standard is that?



i act like it's mine but that's not true, because *i* don't want to work, there are other voices trying to get me off my ass, but they're not me




which is dissappointing, but i guess i shouldn't complain


at least they haven't totally given up yet

1/19/2021 4:25pm

great things are happening







recieving huge inspiration on a daily basis now from___________ and it feels so unreal



and yet i can't tell anyone


that's okay, i don't need people to feel inferior to me unlike some people




how symbolic it is that the album is coming out around now

so much more meaningful that i meant it to be, but now it makes so much sense


i feel like i've finally woken up, my eyes are open and i'm seeing the world for how it truly is



i am not the force that makes the ground move, i am so utterly small, i am so alone, but i don't care anymore


well, of course i do, but my own artistic integrity has become more important in some aspects




finally

1/10/2021 8:47pm

things are good for once




well, not really... but the album is done at least




been lving with this chronic pain for a while now, it's been rough the past few weeks, and the cold weather doesn't help i guess

i just wish i could do things normally but it's such a fucking hinderance on my life right now

it'll be okay








it will, i know it will
i just gotta keep wokring



but for now, i think i deserve a little break



fuck that, start making videos TOMORROW

11/7/2020 6:46pm

i think i finally understand what what this is about





__________________________________________________






no
that sounds so stupid



i know that's the point


the trees looked so nice today, and i keep getting distracted by little things



listening to the birds

i will report back what i find

8/29/2020 1:06pm

been doing a lot of painting lately, and it's gotten me motivated to fix up the art page on the site, although it's really slow-going

i love the way colors evoke different emotions, and i've been obsessed (as has louis) with red and black


i just imagine a deep red sky, a darker shade than any sunset i've ever seen, and i feel so at home, i want to feel the trees and grass and the dirt when they are bathed in this beautiful crimson

what he said





i make the same breakfast for myself most days, a pork roll and onion omelette with home fries

it's become a very zen part of my day, and i've gotten really good at making this one little meal
it's nice to start every day by making something

6/12/2020 1:35pm

i did it





kinda rushed the end of it and there are a lot of mistakes i wish i noticed sooner but the first EP is done and will be live on the fifteenth, i hope people like it



my hands have really been killing me, i have carpal tunnel or something like that and i haven't been able to go to the doctor for it this whole time

hopefully i'll be able to go soon because i can barely even type this right now




i should have been writing in here more during quarantine but i didn't, i don't really know why


not like anyone is reading these anyway





there's this guy i went to school with from like first grade through high school, and as long as i can remember he's always been a real douche, especially in high school





he played guitar real well and sang kind of shittily but people seemed to like his stuff, and he got some record deal early on in high school and had some recording studio or something built in his basement.



am i jealous? yeah of course i am, who wouldn't be jealous



but it made it even worse that he seemed to just carry himself in a really arrogant and shitty way like he was some prodigy


his music is shit, objectively. i can see how some people would enjoy it, but some people enjoy shit, and that's okay i guess


he's just trying to put his stuff out there like me so why am i upset if his shitty music gets more attention than mine? because i'm a jealous and petty person, plus i think he doesn't maintain any real artistic integrity in his songs.



sure, my music isn't great, the vocals make me cringe, the structure is uninspired, the mix is fucked up, but i did that shit on my own, you know? i didn't get on a record label when i was 14 because i wasn't singing "sweet home alabama" at a school talent show, i was playing tf2



i don't really know what my point is here, just screaming into the void again



check out the EP when it comes out

5/30/2020 5:09pm

need a deadline

3/2/2020 9:17am

maybe two small releases before seltzer is too long to wait, maybe just the one self-titled one and then the full selzter realease




i think the actual track of seltzer would be good as a single but wouldn't it be confusing if i had a single called seltzer and and album called seltzer?


also the image of the seltzer project as a whole has kind of changed in the past few months in my mind, not really sure how thought



now that the self-titled EP is starting to become a mini-version of the full album (i.e. all about you-know-who), maybe the bigger release will be too predictable




i don't know what i'm saying



we now have three pretty clean-cut op songs for the EP, very TV girl-esque. i guess that's what i was going for
big smelly shoes, samurai princess, and another one that i want call "canoe trip" but that might be too basic






we lost another good freind because of louis again, that's a shame




2/18/2020 4:27pm

forgot about something important a couple days ago




i'm glad



i've been dreading remembering it, at least i didn't have to deal with that

1/13/2020 2:38pm

shaved my head today

12/8/2019 11:24am

been listening to tyler a lot lately and has me thinking more creatively about how i want this seltzer project to turn out



but i feel like you're able to express more things in a rap song than you can in something in the style of what i normally write
just cause there's more words pretty much


i'm too white for that i guess


but i feel like i could really develop alex and louis as characters, you know?
i feel like that would be really cool




i've been feeling pretty good lately, i passed december first without a problem, in fact i didn't even remember its signifigance until the day was almost done


maybe she isn't controlling my thoughts anymore, and it feels amazing



once this week is over i'll finally be able to start doing some real work again

start recording again and really start thinking about how seltzer is gonna work
because right now seltzer is sort of a jumbled mess in terms of plot, the characters exist already and make sense, but alex and louis aren't really in it now that i really think about it


we're not fucking characters in your project _____________


get over it, don't you __________________?




it just kinda seems like you're taking advantage of us, and that you're being kind of unoriginal with this whole idea





i'm in a good spot now and i can do whatever i want

11/25/2019 2:50pm

maybe the reason so many more of my thoughts are on here as opposed to alex and louis is because i'm usually the only one who has the energy to actually type them out




my hands haven't been as bad lately so that's some form of progress, at least they aren't getting worse





how to reach an audience that __________________________________________





you don't.... or you just make them mad


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________



might as well just be weird



fuck it



music IS weird




you know that moment when you accidentally find a band or an artist that is exactly what you were looking for?

but they're super unknown and obscure so people look at you funny if you start talking about them?




i guess that's who i gotta be
















maybe i should just be more sad so i can be more creative



nah maybe i'll try that animation again

11/22/2019 11:34am

i wanna start recording again



that was really fun back in the summer when i was recording every day


now i feel like all i do is just sit around all day when i could be making something that i can be proud of

it would definetly be a better use of my time



i looked back at the youtube channel and saw that my oh klahoma video got 170 views

that's pretty cool, i didn't expect that one to be very successful, although i did put a lot of work into it





i'm going home for thanksgiving soon and that will be interesting


i really hatte it down there, but i'll see my parents and one or two friends while i'm down there




being down there while it's cold is going to be really difficult though




i have come to associate the cold weather in that area with being in some sort of relationship i guess, the past five or six years i think i've been involved with someone around this time


just thinking back at all of the things we would do down there in the winter brings me back as if it weren't so long ago, which i guess it isn't


but looking back now it seems different, whereas before it would totally fuck up my whole day if i accidentally thought about going to smithville with her or something a couple years ago




i guess that's why i've always liked the winter, and i guess i still do for different reasons now



i hope she's alright i really do, i wish her the best




i've been having some dreams about her lately but they aren't affecting me like they used to, and that's bittersweet


finally i feel that i'm able to move on, but i don't want to forget her



anyway, same shit as always

10/30/2019 12:41am

alex has been taking over a lot lately but i'm not sure why, things have been going relatively smoothly


just been kinda lonely i guess, haven't really been leaving the room much, plus it makes it worse that i haven't recorded anything in what seems like an eternity



it's okay though,like i said things are good


my business cards came in today i think they turned out really nice





i guess i really don't have much else to say









i have so many ideas but no realistic way of following throught with them, makes me feel pathetic sometimes, i know alex normally talks like this but maybe him and i are more alike than we thought, plus louis has been making the rounds quite a lot the past few weeks


too much fucking stress what with all these _______ arounds us, feels like we're the only level-headed person in a ten mile radius sometimes


but everyone feels like that, you know?




alex really wanted to call her the other day but i stopped him.


just need to let it go





i wonder what color her hair is now

9/23/2019 8:26am

alex is right we do need to record something or we're gonna implode


but it isn't as big a deal as he makes it out to be







we've been watching lots of obscure animators on youtube lately, really makes me want to try it myself.



i have this cool idea, a scene with me and louis and alex in the bathroom looking at a cockroach in our bathtub




i've been wanting to try animation for a really long time ever since i started getting into jack stauber back in the day, but after finding these new channels it kinda spurred me back into action



i've been particularly obsessed with this channel umami, he makes this series called interface and it's wild, he even composes all the music for it too








i spent three hours just drawing louis's background and his sprite, just need to now figure out all the facial movements and stuff like that, i think i'll make each mouth position and eye position a seperate image file and layer them on in the actual video editing porcess. i woulld have to first record all the audio and sounds first, that should be interesting



i also have a working script in progress, it's just difficult to write for louis and alex if they aren't with me at the moment

i'm also trying to learn how to do text effects like bill


i thinkk i heard him say one time that all of his text are actually image files with transparent backgrounds, that'll probably make things a little easier, if only blender didn't make me want to rip my hair out


i really want to make a music video for the last song i recorded on the seltzer page







i really want to go to a diner

9/19/2019 6:37pm

i wish there was a way to thank her i really do



had everything not happened i wouldn't be where i am today


and yeah i'm fucking sad a lot of the time but i'm getting shit done
i'm getting it together for once



i'm not that stressed
i took a break from recording kind of involuntarily but i guess that was healthy in a way




near the end of the summer i went to this beach about thirty minutes away and i had this revelation
i think that was the first time i was actually glad i didn't go through with it

just looking out into that ocean that i looked at for my whole life

this ocean that i grew to just fucking hate with every ounce of my being




but now i was on a different beach, seeing it from a different angle, i'm a different person now
and that's terrifying real and beautiful





there's this girl i like a lot
i got her number yesterday


god louis please don't fuck this up for me


she seems really nice which is so refreshing considering most of the people i know




i'm looking back at all these entries, it makes me happy that i'm writing most of them


9/6/2019 11:37pm

off the schedule for now but that's okay, i've done so much just this past summer i might need a break, even if it is forced





had a really nice time out with my friends tonight


they're new




really uncomplicated
and nice



they don't seem like my other friends








i met a girl this week



8/31/2019 1:05pm

the real reason i even went down there was to see my friend i already talked about and this one other mexican guy who works there, him and i would be on the grill together and stuff and over the years i was working there him and i became really close. he would have birthday parties for his nephews and stuff and would invite us, i love that guy



it's funny, cause when i first started there we hated eachother, which is understandable because i was really shitty at my job



but if you told me when i first started there when i was 14 that i would eventually be really good friends with this guy, i would have thought you were crazy



but anyway, him and my other friend were the reason i went down there, and when i got there i said "hey man, remember that hibachi place we all went to in january? let's all go again before i leave, do you want to go tomorrow or friday?"

and he says tomorrow (thursday) is good for him and his brother and nephew and stuff who also work in the restaurant so it was all set. they were all confirmed and everything


i invited this older lady who i was really close with in the store, she's really cool, and she would share her weed with me and my friend after work sometimes, or even during work sometimes which was dangerous




then i invited this girl that used to work there a while ago, she stopped working there around the time i left too, so the other people hadn't seen her in a while either, she's really cool



then i invited this one other girl who works there now, i had only met her like two or three times before because her first day there was my last day there, she's nice enough though, she's 14. thought it'd be nice to include her since when i started working there i never got invited to shit



we get to the restaurant and everyone except the mexican guys show up. i guess there was some miscommunication or something so they couldn't make it, so that sucked, they were like the whole reason i came down in the first place. it was still nice though, i had a really nice time.
i worked there for so long, i forget that sometimes



most of my relationships with the people i worked with there precede the majority of the relationships i have today, and they're the only people down there that i would actually want to spend time with



anyway

it was nice to see them and i'm glad i did

reminds me that people still rememeber me down there, so that's comforting in a weird way




8/31/2019 12:52pm

finally got my own place, i'll be able to record in peace.

i still have roomates but at least i have my own room, that's a lifesaver



having to stop when someone walks in or trying to be quiet is just not a good environment for someone who needs to keep a schedule like this


and the lease is for like ten months so i really have a chance to spread out and be super comfortable
no more packing up after three months or so


ten months is a long time, it hasn't even been ten months since everything happened

that's crazy




it feels like it's been years, but it also feels like it just happened




weird




one of my best friends is living in his car now, i feel really sorry for him, i offered for him to stay at my parents' place for a while but i guess they weren't all about it


that sucks

i'm really in debt to this guy i wish there was some way i could help him out



i mean i'm so far away from there now there's really not much i CAN do, once my parents clean up the mold in their basement hopefully he can store his stuff there
cause right now he's paying like $87 a month for a storage locker




i hope things work out for the best for him, he really deserves to have thinngs go right for him, he's been through a lot, and he came and visited me when i was in the hospital, he didn't have to do that, i didn't ask him to do that, but it made a huge difference for me. being trapped in that tiny room for so long by myself, for him to come in and just hang out was really nice of him, just to sit there and laugh and forget for just a second all the shit that just happened was so relieving, and i'll always be in debt to him for that



8/27/2019 11:05pm

my vcr is broken

i opened it up and noticed that the fuse is blown so i'll stop at a truvalue or something and fix it when i get back because i left my soldering iron there



now i just need to find a real vhs camera, there are plenty of ebay and craigslist but they're either *untested* or $200


with no middle ground




guess i'm just gonna have to save up

after we found that food pantry thing money isn't as tight and i think we'll be able to save up within the next month to get everything we need






i'm so excited for the future



i feel terrible now, but that's okay, that just means i'm human. this is the exact reaction that a human should feel after everything that happened


that's not super comforting though, people like to think that they're, but in the grand scheme of things they're really not. the earth is so monumentally small, and has been around in the universe for such a monumentally short amount of time, and humans have only been on the earth for a tiny fraction of how long the earth has been here.


and what's a life? like 80 years or so? that's literally nothing.


not even able to be calculated compared to the age of the universe



we do not exist

the entire human race will have come and gone in a tiny tiny tiny blip of existence in this infinite void that the earth is hurdling through, making everyone's individual lives undoubtably meaningless






we do not exist and yet


everyone still thinks that they are important
everyone is still trying to carve their name out in this planet's history, in some futile attempt to seek happiness
and for a long time, i resented people for that

why is everyone wasting their time with that when life is so meaningless?



but thinking about it now, that's really beautiful

in the face of such a mind-boggling nothingness of existence, people still do what they can to find happiness
in thus huge, unforgiving, mean, beautiful, unfamiliar world

people put aside these thoughts and focus on what matters to them

and shit, who am i to stop someone from seeking happiness, everyone deserves happiness, including me, and i wouldn't want someone to try and stop me in that pursuit


everyone is on ther own journey, and i think that's really beautiful




and everything is really beautiful


8/14/2019 1:20am

sorry about that

he's right about fl studio though it kinda sucks. money's just tight so we gotta live with it for now


getting an electric guitar tomorrow so i think that will make things a lot easier and pretty cool



he's also right about the craigslist thing i like his idea it has some traction, we just can't get too far ahead of ourselves, he always just wants to speed through it and get to a finished product as fast as possible but we both know that the last that the last three projects ended up being crappy because he pulled us throught them too fast




we did make a craigslist song today and i think it turned out pretty good, vocals aren't great but that's okay


8/8/2019 12:11am

winters are hard

but fair



when we were kids winters were always so wonderful
snow days
christmas
hot chocolate




now to me winter has just become synonymous with heartbreak


thinking about how i spent the last new years eve
can't get any lower than that unless i try really hard





this will be my first winter away from that shithole of a town and hopefully it'll do me good



gotta get away from everyone



gotta get away from myself









alex has been trying really hard to get out lately and i have to keep trying to calm him down before he makes a fool of all three of us


7/25/2019 1:10pm

bought a power drill a couple days ago







guess it makes me feel important


7/25/2019 1:05pm

woke me up to fix my door



























my door isn't broken


7/8/2019 12:33am

can't fall back, gotta keep going
go on without me

no,
gotta keep going

gotta leave alex behind






saw louis this weekend, it was nice to catch up with him
but i hate him with every ounce of my being


gotta keep caring for alex so that louis doesn't keep knocking on my door






god, if she could see you now.....


7/8/2019 12:27am

think i'll go back to the sculpture place this week

gotta get rid of bad associations somehow



been in a bit of a dip lately.....i don't know if it will help or make things worse


taking the weekends off is hard, not making things is difficult and leaves me to my thoughts which is never a good thing
but i have to keep it that way or it will never stick




definitely gotta go to the sculpture place again, i just hope i won't see who i think i'll see there. but very unlikely...hopefully

it's so peaceful there


it reminds me of a time when i was really happy


7/3/2019 11:57pm

don't need to do much to do anything, really


7/3/2019 6:02pm

maybe i'll move to a city where there are less people trying to do the same thing as me


7/2/2019 6:37pm

the schedule is working, i love the schedule. just need to get it to keep working or else i will implode


6/26/2019 1:38pm

i know that if i was satisfied with something i make i would be doing something wrong, but it's hard putting stuff out that you despise in the hopes that you're wrong


6/26/2019 1:35pm

why be productive when you can be the opposite instead


6/17/2019 4:48pm

does the pope piss in the shower?


6/17/2019 4:40pm

you can find my merch in your drawer


6/15/2019 7:03pm

how much disk space does a lamb gyro take up?


6/14/2019 12:50pm

lizards are like the cacti of pets because they're both from the desert and you barely have to do anything to keep them alive


6/14/2019 11:07am

the more nothing i do the more my hands hurt as if i was doing more something than nothing


6/14/2019 1:32am

sticks and twigs are tree bones


6/14/2019 1:02am

website-making is a little harder than i thought but i also think that the report of the week is comedic genius



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